Relationship Counselor: AskDrAllen
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Every couple thinks their first fights are epic and means that the loving, blissful feeling in the "honeymoon phase" is over for good and real life has set in. As you progress in your relationship there will always be times when you and your partner don't agree on every issue. Many times, one partner will remain silent about their feelings, not sharing what they feel out of fear. Conflict is healthy! It helps remind us that we are two distinct individuals and it can help us learn about, and get closer to, our loved one.

One of the fears of disagreement is that we might get "too" angry, and even harm the relationship. When in fact, years of not expressing what we feel can have the same effect of keeping us isolated until we become strangers.

Conflict can have positive effects because it helps us to learn more about each other so that it can amend how we think and how we behave together. If you never talk about your feelings or openly express your opinions, you may even be perceived over time as "dull" and "boring" to a partner

You do have your unique perceptions and they may be different from your partner, and that is very acceptable! Your expressed thoughts make you an interesting individual, even though others have their opinions too. There is rarely any right/wrong in the exchange of opinions, but rather a description of our uniqueness, and that's what helps to make us a whole person. Everyone longs to be with an authentic person, as we strive to be on ourselves. Conflict and differences help make this possible.

What may frighten you is that you may not know how to deal with conflict in an organized way. Here's a ten step approach to keep disagreements healthy:

1. Pick your time and make it fair. No fair if you've been thinking about an issue for days, and you are the only one who gets to decide when the discussion will take place. Ask your partner for a time to talk, and tell them what the issue is that you would like to talk about.
2. At the agreed meeting time, set some ground rules, i.e., "Please let me talk about what has been on my mind, and then I'll be quiet and listen while you give me some feedback about what you feel."
3. Stick to the issue, only one issue, and avoid blaming. State only how you feel about the given situation being discussed. Remember that your feelings come from your interpretation of a situation. They may even be based on not having a complete picture of all the information. Be prepared to amend these feelings if you get new information.
4. Let your partner have their turn to talk and express their feelings, and listen closely to the words they are saying. When they are done, ask questions for clarification
5. Look for areas of agreement and verbalize those. "I see we are together on this part…"
6. Describe the parts of disagreement and ask for feedback again.
7. Choose two solutions each and write them down. Read them and see if one suggestion from each of you is close to one of the other's.
8. Agree on selecting one of the suggestions or rewrite a composite one, which includes some of the thinking of each person. If this does not work, agree to compromise by using one person's suggestion for one week, and then switch to the other person's suggestion, and evaluated which had better results after 2 weeks.
9. Review your discussion and apologize if you have been blaming and accusatory, or if you have used any negative labels or name calling. The apology should include a promise not to use these tactics in the future. Ask for the same from your partner, if you feel they violated these same fairness and decency rules.
10. Make a bridge back to love. Yes, you love each other, but in times of conflict, love may have been pushed aside. Some examples could be: a) Say something loving, b) decide to do something fun together, c) write a loving card, d) give a loving gesture like a long hug.

If at any stage in the conflict you feel that it has gotten out of control, call a truce and go back to step one. Find another day, another time, and start again. If it happens that you keep getting stuck in the process, get some help. Ask a friend to sit in, or talk together with the intervention of a therapist to keep the fighting fair. Don't give up… it's worth it to fight for a good relationship.

Judith L. Allen, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, AAMFT