Relationship Counselor: AskDrAllen
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How do you ask your husband to take out the trash?
How do you ask your wife to pick up your suits at the cleaners?

We often get so consumed with brevity and efficiency, that we may not be aware of how our requests are felt on an emotional level. Yes, life is rushed! Yes, we are all so busy! But also a larger yes is probably the answer to this question:

Would you be willing to change how you ask for favors, if you knew that it would also make another person feel special, precious, and needed?

I was discussing this subject recently with a woman who says her husband is always grumpy when she wants him to help her. She admitted that his unwillingness made her feel unloved. Not only did she expect that he would anticipate her requests and do them magically without her having to utter a word, but when she did make a request, she also expected that he would never forget or say no. Further, she perceived his forgetfulness as passive aggressive behavior, and felt that he was getting even with her for even asking.

Wow. For men reading this, they may nodding their heads. For many women, they may also feel it's their truth too. Fortunately it helps to see it in print, and to know that communication can make a relationship wonderful, or it can lead to it's demise. With a few changes, you might get different results on both sides. Your spouse will be less confused, feel more appreciated, and progress will be made, by changing the approach we use to request assistance from others.

Don't get into the trap of thinking that your partner is or should be a mind reader. Don't fall in the trap of thinking that the forgetfulness of others means that you are unloved. And certainly don't personalize every gesture or word from a partner to interpret it as "hurt that is being dealt out to you." This is a huge issue in therapy.

Instead, how about a new approach to getting help for things that need doing, and also making your partner feel special at the same time? Wouldn't people be more willing to help if they felt appreciated and loved in the process? After all, people usually work harder out of love, than for money.

The next time you would like to make a request from someone you love, add a new prefix before you state your request. Loving names like: Angel - Sweetheart - Cutie Pie - Baby - Honey - Sugar - Sexy - Princess - Lover Boy -Sunshine -Beautiful - Darling, can open up someone to listening more readily.

You may have been saying to your partner
"I need you to stop at the store and get cat food before you come home."

After a while, it may be heard as "I need" "I need" "I need" by your partner. I love the word Sweetheart (but choose one you like) and when it comes from your lips, it reminds both you and your partner of your special relationship. Try this revision instead:

"Sweetheart, would you stop by on the way home and get the cat some food, we just ran out." Or, "Sunshine, would you press my blue shirt for me? I won't have time before I have to go to the meeting."

Remember that what you want, is only a request. Be prepared for others to say no. If you find yourself getting angry about an unfulfilled request, then you might have to recognize that it was actually a demand, rather than a request. And since it is supposed to be a request, deliver it as politely as possible, and try using a loving nickname! It can be a win/win proposition.

Judith L. Allen, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, AAMFT