Relationship Expert: Sandra Harris
Read More relationship tips from Sandra Harris's Blog: Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

The dictionary definition of compatibility is: "capable of existing or living together in harmony."

Growing up, many of us women were told by our parents to make sure we married someone with whom we were compatible. What does that mean though? Does it mean that a potential husband and wife like the same things? Do the same things? Think the same things? We were told to choose someone we had something in "common" with and yet, often, we have little or nothing in common with the people from whom we learn the most. How is it possible to grow and expand as a human being if all we do is surround ourselves with people who are just like us; liking, doing and thinking the same things? And aren't we capable of living in harmony with those who bring something different to our lives?

Some people find that they are rarely attracted to those with whom they have the most in common. This ends up creating all kinds of anxiety because of the ingrained messages about compatibility. They assume that something must be wrong with them if they continue to prefer and attract the exact opposite of what they have been told they should be seeking. The anxiety comes from people trying to live according to these "shoulds" and expecting others to live by them also. But perhaps incompatibility with someone is really due to one's own thinking and not really anything to do with the other person.

What if incompatibility is simply one's intolerance of another - what they think, do or say? And wouldn't it be considered arrogant to think that a person should change anything about himself or herself to accommodate another person in the name of compatibility?

People often cite incompatibility, even after many years, as a reason for a break-up of their relationship. One often hears women say,

• He didn't spend enough time with me
• He didn't like to talk to me
• He didn't acknowledge me
• He wasn't loving or romantic
• He wasn't intellectually equal
• He wasn't loyal
• He didn't make me a priority

With these types of thoughts, women start to convince themselves that they are victims. But what if their partner is the actual victim. After years spent focused on all that their lover IS NOT, everything that was initially different but attractive and IS good and enjoyable about him now is not seen and valued. Both people become victims of faulty thinking.

When a partner is not accepted and appreciated for who he is, it is no wonder that he becomes defensive. Relationships begin to feel like a battleground. Being dictated to about who he should be, how he should act, what he should say and how he should think - how could anyone find comfort in a relationship that continually demands that he be someone else? Falling in love with someone who is different but then having high expectations of commonalities results in a lot of confusion consisting of hostility, separation from one's beloved and blame.

Out of the confusion, though, one can begin to decipher what went wrong. One can begin to look at their thinking, question it and replace toxic thinking with thoughts that are accepting and loving. Honestly ask yourself if these are your thoughts:

• He should give up his internal life to please me.
• He should be someone he isn't in order for me to feel loved and secure.
• It is his job to change to fit me and it is my job to change to fit him.
• I'm less interested in his love than in controlling him so that he can learn to love me in a way that I want him to.
• I reject his love because it doesn't look like mine.

If you really love this person, then it is your job to change your thinking so that your partner can be free to show up authentically as he is, not the illusion of who you think he should become. You are loving when you allow another person to express himself or herself without judgment and control. Open your mind and you will begin to notice all the ways he tells you on a regular basis that he loves you. They may not be the traditional ways, but they are ways that are true and right for him. After all, it was the ways in which he is different that you initially found attractive and drew him to you.

Compatibility becomes natural and effortless when you CHOOSE to live in harmony by accepting and embracing each other.